cheeta the chimp

Cheeta the chimpanzee is a special dude. He is a Hollywood legend. He appeared in the first Tarzan movie ever in 1932 and has been in twelve total. I said goddamn! Cheeta made a bit of a splash recently because his handlers were fighting to get him a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Well, I was reading about this baller the other day and it turns out he should feel happy even if he didn't get a star.

He just signed a record deal.

Supposedly, he plays piano but who knows. I'm so confused. There are so many issues here. First of all, how will he make a record? If I want to listen to a series of grunts, I'll lean against the men's bathroom door after Taco Night at Hole in the Wall, knowwuti'msayin? I'm a little pissed about this. But also somewhat hopeful. If Cheeta the chimp can get a record deal, maybe I can someday. Dreams can come true! Secondly, I'm sure Cheeta is really tight and everything, but he's a little old to be a rock star. Bitch is 76! He's going gray and probably has constipation issues. I mean, homeboy can't get the ladies anymore. Just sayin'. So, good luck, Cheeta. If you ever need a Tawny Kitaen look-alike for your music vid, give me a holla holla. Also, look out in October, because Cheeta is getting a ghost writer to help him write an autobiography. And if by help him, that means write the whole thing entirely for him because he's a CHIMP.

Here's Cheeta watching TV like the old fart he is.

tooth tattoos

You all know that I like the idea of a good tattoo, and even wish I could get a great one myself, someday. However, this is taking it too far. Tattoos on your teeth? Basically, I'm frightened. I have enough phobias and freak-outs about the dentist chair, like leaving my mouth wide open for long periods (jaw surgery can do this to a person). So why in the lawd's name would I want to sit and hang my mouth open and get a tattoo on my tooth? This is freaking me out big time. Although the Dave Letterman one is a little tight, I'm not going to lie. But maybe this is a good conversation party starter. Pull your lip aside and show them your Amy Winehouse and you are the hit of the night. Maybe I'm slowly changing my mind about this. I'll do it if it will get me a date. There, I said it.

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hold the phone

I have been saying for a while that I would love to see a crappy remake of Match Game brought to the small screen. It's by far my favorite game show. However, I always wanted the remake to actually look like the seventies with the sick orange carpet. Also, I wanted it to use the seventies censors. Well, there is a remake in the works but with some big losers. I'm sorry, but Sarah Silverman is pretty unfunny to me. And this is just another chance for her to use various terms for her "lady parts." BOR-ING. I like Niecy Nash simply based on Reno 911! so maybe she'll be ok. Hopefully, with Robert Smigel at the helm, we can get some good stuff. If not, I have scores of episodes saved on my Tivo to keep my Match Game hunger at bay.

storing the chrysler building

Amy Winehouse is nuts, but I have to comment on her baller hairstyle here. It is truly a private, lifelong dream of mine to have a Marge Simpson hairdo. Amy is doing it currently. The thing I wonder is how does she hold her head up? It looks heavy. But you would always have a place to store your sour gummi worms (my favorite candy, btw).