movies i will drop anything to watch #4: Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery

The very first Austin Powers, before Mini Me and Goldmember were introduced, totally ruled my life when it came out. I will never forget seeing it for the first time. How good is this movie? I will watch the first Austin Powers any day, even I'm starving or have a lot of laundry to do. I mean, Mike Myers really does it for me. I truly believe that the character of Dr. Evil is one of the tightest characters ever created. Austin Powers is a frozen James Bond-esque secret agent from 1967 who is unfrozen in the 1997. This transition caused lot of laughs for me at the time, and even now that I get the refs a bit more. Austin Powers trying to pump up a Nike sneaker and trying to play a CD on the record player gets me every time. His insane amount of chest hair is comedy gold a-plenty. I think we all know the plot to this movie, and if you don't, I'm sorry for you. My point here isn't to write a lengthy summation, I mostly just want to point out what a badass Austin Powers is and how good this movie is, and also how good the franchise was before some knuckleheads let Beyonce Knowles star in one. But, I guess no one called me. So, here's to a great movie that has spawned countless horrible Halloween costumes.

movies i will drop anything to watch #3: The Muppet Movie

I have already stated my pure love for Rowlf in a previous post and now, I present you with this. For the record, I want it known here and now that I will watch any movie starring the Muppets. I just watched The Muppet Movie first and therefore, it has a special and dear place in my heart. I wish you could see my keyboard by the end of this post because it will probably be soaked with tears. I love this movie so much, mostly because the Muppets are the most awesome/most magical creatures of all time, aside from my precious llamas. Muppets make anyone feel better and everyone can appreciate them, from tiny babies to old assholes. If this movie is on, I will watch it, no matter what I'm doing. When I first got the DVD, I forced a few people to watch Kermit's scene with the banjo more than once. It's so tight.

I love all the cameos by famous people in this movie. Kermit is chillaxing in the swamp when he is stopped by Cameo #1 Dom DeLuise. He tells Kermit to come to Hollywood. Kermit rides his bike (see above) to the land of dreams, because he just wants to make people happy. Kermit is tight. I mean, who really goes to Hollywood for those reasons anymore? He meets Fozzie Bear, who has a shitty comedy act. Although I laugh at Fozzie's jokes, no one else does, so they decide to pursue greener pastures together. How great is the combo of Kermit and Fozzie? As a kid, this duo made all my dreams come true. I honestly don't know if their performance of "Movin' Right Along" can be topped by anything. I'm dead serious.

Things start to get serious, however, when crazy Doc Hopper sees Kermit and starts chasing him. He wants to get Kermit to do ads for his stupid frog-leg restaurant, but probably also wants to eat Kermit and so for that, he is a horrible, horrible villain in my book. CAN'T HE SEE THAT KERMIT WANTS TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY? What a d.a. So basically, Kermit and Fozzie pick up a lot of crazy people along the way, and it all makes me super happy. Also, the details are getting foggy but I know somewhere along the way Gonzo hooks up with a chicken. Sick. Anyway, they meet some of the best characters of all time, including the Electric Mayhem (should be top of the charts, Dr. Teeth is the biggest badass of all time, and Janice = supposed to be Joni Mitchell?) and Miss Piggy, of course. In ninth grade, I found this book at a used book store called Miss Piggy's Guide to Life. It was published in 1981 and it hasn't left my side since I bought it. It has taught me everything I know about how to live like a queen. This is pointless information but it just proves how much I love the Muppets.

A bunch of really bananas stuff starts happening, and I'm getting hungry so I can't write it all out. I suck at blogging. But Mel Brooks shows up as a mad scientist type and Miss Piggy gets kidnapped. I remember some kind of crazy shootout sitch happening sometime after this. If you have never seen this, I want to encourage you to watch it immediately, and if you have seen it, go watch it again with a glass of limeade and a bowl of edamame. I swear you will be proud and happy you did.

Here's Kermit singing Rainbow Connection for all you non-believers. Get the tissues ready.

movies i will drop anything to watch #2: Sixteen Candles

So this movie comes on TBS way too much, but I usually stop whatever I'm doing to watch it. It's one of those that I have memorized. I can't remember when I first watched it, but I do know that I instantly wanted it to be my life. It's got some of the best nerd characters of all time, including Anthony Michael Hall, who turns in the best performance of all time and then actually grew up to be pretty good looking. I didn't realize until I was in my twenties that John Cusack is one of the nerds. Why did it take me this long - I guess we'll never know.

So Sam is so awkward and wearing funny hats and has bright red hair. I had a red-headed friend around the time I saw this movie for first time and I think Molly Ringwald was her damn role model. Sam luuuuuuuuvs Jake Ryan, who has two first names and probably a 401k because he is way too old for this high school. Jake Ryan was the apple of my eye during this time. I mean, who didn't want the hottest senior to like you? I used to drive past the hottest senior in my day with my window rolled down, blaring the White Album because I thought that was the formula to become a badass. I'm not sure if he was impressed or not, but to this day I still believe I could've had a Jake Ryan sitch, and don't ruin it for me.

Sam's family forgets her 16th birthday (A TRAVESTY) and goes to school pretty disgruntled. Also, her annoying older sister is getting hitched to a dumbass so her whole family is in town. Including her grandparents' foreign exchange student, Long Duc Dong aka my hero. Later he has a scene with his jock girlfriend on the elliptical machine at a party that is forever imprinted in my mind.



In study hall, Sam writes a silly note about her crush on Jake Ryan and tries to slip it to her friend but (thank you John Hughes) JAKE FINDS IT INSTEAD. OMG!!!11! This was my worst nightmare after I saw this movie and I actually took a long sabbatical from passing notes. Thank goodness, AIM came into my life shortly after this, so I could talk about my crushes electronically and while wearing my 1997 Lamar Scotties Spirit Squad work-out gear.

At the same time, Farmer Ted (Anthony Michael Hall) is crushing bad on Sam. He makes every effort to get close to her, but mostly is a creepball. She gives him the brush-off. Jake Ryan is interested, it turns out, and looking to break up with his annoying girlfriend anyway (who appears topless in this movie for a reason I think is a little unnecessary).



I think we all know how this movie ends. I want to wrap this up to talk about some things. Basically, Sam helps out Farmer Ted by loaning him a pair of undies so he looks cool with the nerds. Good thing. He helps HER out by talking to Jake Ryan. Farmer Ted ends up waking up/making out with Jake Ryan's now ex-gf and all is right in his world.





In the end, Jake Ryan shows up on the day of Sam's sister's wedding and is waiting outside her house. I basically had a bowel movement when this scene happened because, let's be real, this is every girl's ultimate dream whether you want to pretend you don't care or not. I love when he points at her and is like, "Yeah, you." GAWD I wait for that part everytime. Then he buys her a cake and tells her to make a birthday wish and junk.



So next time this is on TBS, please watch purely for Farmer Ted and the scene where he mixes a drink for Jake Ryan. Watching that scrawny s.o.b. make a martini and then offer up olives makes my world go round. Also, please pay close attention for the scene where Long Duc Dong gets wasted and ends up in the front yard. All I want to say about that scene is, "AUTOMOBILE?"

Love this flick.

movies i will drop anything to watch #1: Never Been Kissed

I f-ing love this movie. I saw it in theaters when I was 14 and I cried my eyes out. Probably because it gave me false hope because when I was 14 I had severe fashion and eyewear choice issues. Drew Barrymore as Josie Grossie is one of my favorite characters ever. She lives a super sad existence as the tormented high school teen who has oily skin and a book nerd problem. She also definitely gets tricked into going to her senior prom with the most popular dude in school, who proceeds to throw an egg at her face. She then hides from her mom in the bushes out of shame. And no, I'm not looking on wikipedia.org for this information right now. This is from pure memory.

So then she goes back to high school as an adult to write for this newspaper in Chicago to do an "undercover" report about what the teens are doing these days. Also, this is a dumb assignment/storyline and John C. Reilly knows it. She has to undergo a "high school" makeover to fit in with the mean girls. So of course she goes blonde!!!11!! My only beef with her makeover is that horrible Wet n Wild lip gloss she slathers on. I mean, I know she was a nerd and junk but even her brother ROB should've known that that was a bad look.

Oh, boy. So of course at the high school she meets Mr. Coulson, who has a girlfriend and an appetite for literature loving teens. At the time I thought this guy was such a badass but now I realize how this character is actually incredibly creepy. First of all, Josie is supposed to be sixteen. And he falls for her. And the lip gloss. So not cool. But, he is cute, and he loves books and life and painting walls with teens. Oh yeah, and opening up to his high school English students about his failed relationship while on a Ferris wheel. Super tight! She also gets to be popular for a while.

I couldn't find the picture I wanted of Josie in her new prom dress. But she finally gets to go with the new most popular guy in school, GUY, a creepy guitar player who likes to crunch on girls. Long story long, Josie's undercover assignment goes bust when she realizes she really does love Mr. Coulson and will have to 'fess up. She wants to tell him so badly, especially when he awkwardly dances with her (keep in mind, he still thinks she's 16.) Josie fesses up to the crowd that she's in fact 25 YEARS OLD and everyone has their Academy Award moment of shock. Josie leaves the prom/school in a fog of shame but knows she must make it right.

She writes her undercover assignment article but also confesses her love for Mr. Coulson and is pretty much straight up about her lies and filthy schemes within the school. She pledges to stand on the pitcher's mound for the high school baseball team's game and wait for Mr. Coulson to come give her her first real kiss. HELLO! The excitement builds. How can you not root for Josie, who now looks really pretty in a pink dress from Arizona Clothing Company (see above). This was the blonde hair I was shooting for at the beginning of the movie. Too bad. The clock ticks down and of course, he's not there. The crowd looks tense.

Finally, he shows. Of course I got a pit in my stomach at the time because I was on a personal level with Josie at this point, and I was pretty sure she didn't know how to use tongue. He kisses her, and they say some sweet nothings to each other and then everyone in the stands starts making out, which I still don't understand to this day. All in all, a great movie that helped me realize my life long dream of marrying my high school English teacher and pretending to be 16. I'm close to age 25 so I might have my own version of Never Been Kissed to share in another year or so.